A Big Load of Nothin'

This guy is the living definition of the word "failure".

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,151792,00.html

Thanks Rick for helping me with blog content for today.

That's it. Have good and get good give.


Peas Out.
-J.

A Tasteful Limerick in Honor of St. Patty's Day

There once was a technician named Lil.
Who took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And her boobs in a tree in Brazil.

Love ya Earth...Stay Cool!

Bad Week

We all have them. They are inevitable I suppose. Mine started, oddly enough, on the Monday after one of the most relaxing weekends I've had in long time. We just came off of a week where I was finally feeling human again after being sick for 3 weeks. We got bonuses at work so we finally had enough money to buy the new fence that we so desperately need for our sanity and our dog and our dog's sanity. There were a couple more great things about last week, but I'll leave that up to your imagination AND my I'm not going to tell you.

So here's this week in a nutshell:
I had Jury Duty on Monday. That's actually the good news. I not-so-narrowly missed getting selected for a murder trial. THEN I get some depressing personal news. That's ok though, because I was sure that I could salvage the day by having H&R Block tell me that my wife and I would get a nice little refund which would pay off everything we owed the IRS from the past. Alas it was not meant to be as the unsuspecting lady doing our taxes topped my day off by letting me know we OWED the IRS another $4,000. So much for the fence.
I got drunk after that so I don't recall anything else about that day.

On Tuesday we started paying bills. Pretty much don't have to say anything else there. I did get to play some good old DBro's music with my friend Shayne at The Back Porch so all was not completely lost. My cold wasn't either. The sore throat came back.

Today was long, stressful, and depressing. THEN once I got out of bed it starting going downhill. Highlight of the day: dinner with my wife. Lowlight: coming home from dinner to find the house filled with smoke because we left the tea kettle on. Second Highlight of the day: we didn't burn the house down. Second Lowlight: I still have a sore throat.

I'm not sure yet what tomorrow will bring, but I hope it involves plenty of beer.

So in case you are still reading this: We're poor, depressed, sick, tired, and cursed with plenty of bad luck. Now that I think about it, this kind of crap is great material to write the perfect country song.

In conclusion, it's been a good week.

Please don't click here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005120865,00.html

And for Pete's sake PLEASE don't click here:
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/showbiz/showbiz2.shtml

Peace.

Mentally Constipated

I've got nothing today so I thought I'd share my insanity with you...

Whoever this person (?) is may need help.
http://www.shayesaintjohn.com/

Panic?
http://members.aol.com/speaker606/jim/doom/doomrpt.html

Don't Panic!
http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com/main.html

Please don't eat the gardenias

Today's post is in protest to yesterday's post. It has recently been brought to my attention (by no one) that making a joke out of an innocent human being's death is both insensitive and tasteless. For this I am deeply sorry.
Just Kidding. I'm not protesting nothing. In fact, I'd like to apologize for being deeply sorry. Had I known what kind of affect my apology would have made on my many legions of fans, I would have never said I'm sorry. By the way, I'm sorry I said that I have legions of fans. I actually have no fans that I am aware of. Please accept my humble regret for telling this horrible and insensitive lie. Had I only realized earlier that my lie would have caused me such remorse I would have never apologized in the first place. Also, let me just say that I am very sorry that I am using the same apology bit that I have used so often in the past. Going forward I will make it a mission or goal or something like that to protest these types of sad displays of nothing.
In conclusion, I would like to take this opportunity to protest nothing.

Please take the time to voice your opinion on this very important issue:
http://www.napoleonvsfender.com/

Also, Mother Durango says please support her boys:
http://www.durangobrothers.com/

Don't forget to support your local Colin Boyd too.
Here's one:
http://www.colinboyd.net/

Have a good!

R.I.P. Ricardo Ivan Garcia

I was just thinking. Now I'm done. Wait. Here I go agai...no false alarm.
There are so many important things I would like to say in today's post. So important in fact that I don't know where to start. I'll start here.

I like here better. It's funnier. So what was I saying? Oh yes...important things and the such. There are many things in life that are important. Love, happiness, friendship, scratch and sniff books, etc. However, I say to you here today that the most important thing of all is importance itself. If fact, importance is so important that I can no longer discuss it because it is too important. Time is important too, but I'll have to tell you about that when I have more...well...Boba Fett action figures.

Speaking of time...
It is with the deepest regret and sorrow that I must report the circumstances surrounding this predictable, but untimely death.
Please click here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,149708,00.html

Stay tuned for more insightful wastes of time.
See? I again with the time.

Love to my peeps.

-J.

Nothing is the new something

Here's a short story from my book "Life with Jay". It should make you go insane.

You see when I was six...NO....17, I was born with only an ear and a partially eaten cheese sandwich for a head. As you could probably guess, I was very much in need of a plastic trashcan filled with cotton balls for a body. When my 18th Birthday came around I received my body. I was thankful, but saddened to find out that it was a burlap sack filled with leaves. To make matters worse, the leaves were actually made of milk crust and within a few days had dissolved and all that was left was a burlap sack. I was so sad, but things all changed when I met Albert Einstein and Tim Conway. If it were not for their endless dedication to my cause, I would not be here today. So that, my dear friends, is EXACTLY why we celebrate Labor Day.

In other news...unfortunate name?
http://premierespeakers.com/1004/index.cfm

Have a nice day in the USA!

The History of the Word, Part 0

This is my first post in many long times. I would like to issue an apology to everyone I have offended by not posting for a while. I would also like to apologize for my most recent apology. No...not that one. I'm sorry. That one.

What?

Shhh....
I'd think it would be nice to finish this entry with a pleasant little short story about bunny rabbits. That being said I will not. I'm mad at bunny rabbits right now. I can't tell you why, but if they are reading this they will get my point. GET MY POINT!
In conclusion, it began with the word and the word was good. It was a good word. Gooood Wooord.
By the way, please visit here for further enlightenment:
http://www.collegehumor.com/news/2005-01-20.napoleon.php

Happy Good!
-J.

PS:
Too much medication can make you Blog silly things.
Bye Catwoman!