The Meaning of Christmas
Here's special Christmas story by the great Gordan Keith. Have fun!
Newspaper Column: Christmas means giving ... tuberculosis
By GORDON KEITH
Dustin cheerfully hung the decorations on the 20-foot tree as his wife, Candy, made her special Rachael Ray Christmas cookies.
"Baby, I think this is going to be the greatest Christmas ever!" Dustin said.
"What, dear?" Candy called from the kitchen.
"Nothing," said Dustin, realizing their marriage was over. Candy turned on the oven and stuck her head in it.
The doorbell rang. "Could you get it, dear?" said Candy.
Dustin put down the pistol and opened the door. His eyes grew wide. "Candy, come in here, it's Wheezy the Tubercular Christmas Elf!"
[Cue theme song.]
"Wheezy, what are you doing here?" asked Dustin.
"The Old Man is sending me 'round this year to fix up troubled marriages. According to our records, yours is pretty ba ..." Wheezy's small body shook as he coughed into a handkerchief. Candy noticed the red spot on it as he pulled it away from his mouth.
"Are you OK, Wheezy?" she asked.
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I just haven't been able to keep anything down in a week. Let's sit."
The three sit on the sectional. Although there was plenty of room, Wheezy straddled Candy's lap.
"Old Santa wants to know how's your marriage?" Wheezy began.
"I would say better than most," Candy said. "I mean, I feel completely alone and unattracted to my husband because he is a self-absorbed control freak who's obsessed with money, but other than that ..."
"I am not sure what you are getting at, Wheezy. I love my wife. Sure, she is a sexually frigid status queen who refuses to work and won't get out of sweatpants unless it is girls' night out, but she really is very loving with the kids."
Wheezy coughed hard, spraying the Berber with lung. "Listen. I want you two to give each other something that you never thought you'd part with. Only by giving something very valuable will you ever realize the true meaning of Christmas."
Wheezy began convulsing until he disintegrated. Candy and Dustin looked at each other. "He's right, you know," said Candy.
She reached under her sweatshirt, and after a moan-filled struggle pulled out two translucent ovals. "My breast implants. I want you to have them."
Dustin reached into his pants and pulled out his wallet. "Here, buy yourself some new implants and let's forget this ever happened." And it truly was the best Christmas ever.
Cue Gordon's theme song at gordon@gordonkeith.com. Listen to him on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.
Newspaper Column: Christmas means giving ... tuberculosis
By GORDON KEITH
Dustin cheerfully hung the decorations on the 20-foot tree as his wife, Candy, made her special Rachael Ray Christmas cookies.
"Baby, I think this is going to be the greatest Christmas ever!" Dustin said.
"What, dear?" Candy called from the kitchen.
"Nothing," said Dustin, realizing their marriage was over. Candy turned on the oven and stuck her head in it.
The doorbell rang. "Could you get it, dear?" said Candy.
Dustin put down the pistol and opened the door. His eyes grew wide. "Candy, come in here, it's Wheezy the Tubercular Christmas Elf!"
[Cue theme song.]
"Wheezy, what are you doing here?" asked Dustin.
"The Old Man is sending me 'round this year to fix up troubled marriages. According to our records, yours is pretty ba ..." Wheezy's small body shook as he coughed into a handkerchief. Candy noticed the red spot on it as he pulled it away from his mouth.
"Are you OK, Wheezy?" she asked.
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I just haven't been able to keep anything down in a week. Let's sit."
The three sit on the sectional. Although there was plenty of room, Wheezy straddled Candy's lap.
"Old Santa wants to know how's your marriage?" Wheezy began.
"I would say better than most," Candy said. "I mean, I feel completely alone and unattracted to my husband because he is a self-absorbed control freak who's obsessed with money, but other than that ..."
"I am not sure what you are getting at, Wheezy. I love my wife. Sure, she is a sexually frigid status queen who refuses to work and won't get out of sweatpants unless it is girls' night out, but she really is very loving with the kids."
Wheezy coughed hard, spraying the Berber with lung. "Listen. I want you two to give each other something that you never thought you'd part with. Only by giving something very valuable will you ever realize the true meaning of Christmas."
Wheezy began convulsing until he disintegrated. Candy and Dustin looked at each other. "He's right, you know," said Candy.
She reached under her sweatshirt, and after a moan-filled struggle pulled out two translucent ovals. "My breast implants. I want you to have them."
Dustin reached into his pants and pulled out his wallet. "Here, buy yourself some new implants and let's forget this ever happened." And it truly was the best Christmas ever.
Cue Gordon's theme song at gordon@gordonkeith.com. Listen to him on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.
posted by Jay at 2:45 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home