As told to by me
Here's a little excerpt from my long awaited always soon to be released book. Soon to be released.
Be careful turning the pages...
Where to start? I guess the beginning is a good place. I mean that’s where most people usually start. Unless they start at the end which probably would not be the best place to start. Of course, the end would be a great place to end. However, seeing as this is the beginning, I think I will start here.
I don’t remember much that happened before I was born. I’ve always just naturally assumed that the world revolved around me. When I was a child, lets says about five years of age, my Mother told me that there was no conceit in my family because I had it all. It’s not that I think so highly of myself really, it’s just that I think so little of everyone else. My Father and Mother excluded of course. Oh, and beer. I like beer. Although beer is not a person, so it doesn't really count. However, we’re not talking about beer right now. Beer comes later in my life. Heck, I didn't even like beer until I was eighteen and I only drank it then to rebell against water.
If you want to know the truth, I’m not really this vain. I just wanted to capture your attention. Did I? Did I capture your attention? I hope so. I’d hate to think that you were reading this without paying attention. Jackass!
Just checking. OK, what were we talking about? To be completely honest with you, I don’t have any idea what my subject will be. This may turn out to be a book, or it may just get deleted when I realize that I have no business attempting to write a book. So, if you’ll be so kind, just humor me and act interested. When you read this, and believe me I’ll make you, please give me the common courtesy of lying and tell me that it was the best thing you ever read. This brings me to the subject, for now, of my little attempt at creative writing. My subject, dear reader, is me.
I said in the beginning of this insult to literature that I’ve always assumed the world revolves around me. Good thing I decided to start at the beginning. That’s not exactly the truth. I really think that my world, for the most part, revolves around my friends. My friends and beer. Sorry, I did not intend on bringing beer back into the picture so soon. So lets just drop the subject of beer. In fact, let’s drop the subject of my friends too. Let’s talk more about me. I have two reasons for writing about myself. One, I am my favorite subject and,”B”, because I know quite a bit about me. I guess the best way to understand where I’m coming from is to give you a little history of my 35 years on this planet.
To borrow a phrase from Groucho Marx, I was born at a very early age. I was born in Dallas and moved to Arkansas when I was very young. Arkansas, where the men are men and the sheep are related. I lived in Arkansas for about eleven years. In that time, I made many friends and had many adventures. My childhood was just like any other red-blooded American boy’s. I played little league baseball, I was very active in the church, and I invented the cellular phone. Then one day my Father asked me, “Son, if you could live anywhere in the country, where would it be?”. I, of course, said “California”. So we picked up and moved back to Texas. By the time we left Arkansas, I was much older than I was when I first moved there. In fact, I was eleven years older.
If you are still reading at this point, you either have nothing better to do with your time, or you see something more to what I am writing than I do. Either way, thank you for continuing to read. I’m twelve years old now and living in a state I’m proud to call Texas. In retrospect, I’m glad my Father did not choose California. If memory serves me correctly, and it usually doesn’t, I began to explore my creative side when I joined the band in junior high. I picked up the trumpet for the first time at age twelve and rarely put it down for six years. It made sleeping a bit awkward, but other than that it worked pretty well. I was always told that, if I would just apply myself, I could really go places playing the trumpet. Unfortunately for me, applying myself seemed too much like work and that was not for me. Perhaps I should have considered that advice a little more seriously because musicians get a lot of chicks and I sure do like chicks. Had someone told me at the time that chicks were usually women I might have worked a little harder. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret not applying myself I make a pretty good living at not applying myself, I just think I was too busy having fun. Speaking of fun, isn’t fun great? I am extremely thankful that my parents were kind enough to purchase that trumpet for me because, not only did it give me an excuse to show off, it gave me a great appreciation for music. In my sometimes humble opinion, music is the tie that bonds me to some of my closest friend. Music and beer. Damn! I said I wouldn’t bring beer up again yet. I am beginning to lose trust in myself.
Be careful turning the pages...
Where to start? I guess the beginning is a good place. I mean that’s where most people usually start. Unless they start at the end which probably would not be the best place to start. Of course, the end would be a great place to end. However, seeing as this is the beginning, I think I will start here.
I don’t remember much that happened before I was born. I’ve always just naturally assumed that the world revolved around me. When I was a child, lets says about five years of age, my Mother told me that there was no conceit in my family because I had it all. It’s not that I think so highly of myself really, it’s just that I think so little of everyone else. My Father and Mother excluded of course. Oh, and beer. I like beer. Although beer is not a person, so it doesn't really count. However, we’re not talking about beer right now. Beer comes later in my life. Heck, I didn't even like beer until I was eighteen and I only drank it then to rebell against water.
If you want to know the truth, I’m not really this vain. I just wanted to capture your attention. Did I? Did I capture your attention? I hope so. I’d hate to think that you were reading this without paying attention. Jackass!
Just checking. OK, what were we talking about? To be completely honest with you, I don’t have any idea what my subject will be. This may turn out to be a book, or it may just get deleted when I realize that I have no business attempting to write a book. So, if you’ll be so kind, just humor me and act interested. When you read this, and believe me I’ll make you, please give me the common courtesy of lying and tell me that it was the best thing you ever read. This brings me to the subject, for now, of my little attempt at creative writing. My subject, dear reader, is me.
I said in the beginning of this insult to literature that I’ve always assumed the world revolves around me. Good thing I decided to start at the beginning. That’s not exactly the truth. I really think that my world, for the most part, revolves around my friends. My friends and beer. Sorry, I did not intend on bringing beer back into the picture so soon. So lets just drop the subject of beer. In fact, let’s drop the subject of my friends too. Let’s talk more about me. I have two reasons for writing about myself. One, I am my favorite subject and,”B”, because I know quite a bit about me. I guess the best way to understand where I’m coming from is to give you a little history of my 35 years on this planet.
To borrow a phrase from Groucho Marx, I was born at a very early age. I was born in Dallas and moved to Arkansas when I was very young. Arkansas, where the men are men and the sheep are related. I lived in Arkansas for about eleven years. In that time, I made many friends and had many adventures. My childhood was just like any other red-blooded American boy’s. I played little league baseball, I was very active in the church, and I invented the cellular phone. Then one day my Father asked me, “Son, if you could live anywhere in the country, where would it be?”. I, of course, said “California”. So we picked up and moved back to Texas. By the time we left Arkansas, I was much older than I was when I first moved there. In fact, I was eleven years older.
If you are still reading at this point, you either have nothing better to do with your time, or you see something more to what I am writing than I do. Either way, thank you for continuing to read. I’m twelve years old now and living in a state I’m proud to call Texas. In retrospect, I’m glad my Father did not choose California. If memory serves me correctly, and it usually doesn’t, I began to explore my creative side when I joined the band in junior high. I picked up the trumpet for the first time at age twelve and rarely put it down for six years. It made sleeping a bit awkward, but other than that it worked pretty well. I was always told that, if I would just apply myself, I could really go places playing the trumpet. Unfortunately for me, applying myself seemed too much like work and that was not for me. Perhaps I should have considered that advice a little more seriously because musicians get a lot of chicks and I sure do like chicks. Had someone told me at the time that chicks were usually women I might have worked a little harder. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret not applying myself I make a pretty good living at not applying myself, I just think I was too busy having fun. Speaking of fun, isn’t fun great? I am extremely thankful that my parents were kind enough to purchase that trumpet for me because, not only did it give me an excuse to show off, it gave me a great appreciation for music. In my sometimes humble opinion, music is the tie that bonds me to some of my closest friend. Music and beer. Damn! I said I wouldn’t bring beer up again yet. I am beginning to lose trust in myself.
posted by Jay at 1:45 PM
2 comments
