The Meaning of Christmas

Here's special Christmas story by the great Gordan Keith. Have fun!

Newspaper Column: Christmas means giving ... tuberculosis

By GORDON KEITH

Dustin cheerfully hung the decorations on the 20-foot tree as his wife, Candy, made her special Rachael Ray Christmas cookies.

"Baby, I think this is going to be the greatest Christmas ever!" Dustin said.

"What, dear?" Candy called from the kitchen.

"Nothing," said Dustin, realizing their marriage was over. Candy turned on the oven and stuck her head in it.

The doorbell rang. "Could you get it, dear?" said Candy.

Dustin put down the pistol and opened the door. His eyes grew wide. "Candy, come in here, it's Wheezy the Tubercular Christmas Elf!"

[Cue theme song.]

"Wheezy, what are you doing here?" asked Dustin.

"The Old Man is sending me 'round this year to fix up troubled marriages. According to our records, yours is pretty ba ..." Wheezy's small body shook as he coughed into a handkerchief. Candy noticed the red spot on it as he pulled it away from his mouth.

"Are you OK, Wheezy?" she asked.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I just haven't been able to keep anything down in a week. Let's sit."

The three sit on the sectional. Although there was plenty of room, Wheezy straddled Candy's lap.

"Old Santa wants to know how's your marriage?" Wheezy began.

"I would say better than most," Candy said. "I mean, I feel completely alone and unattracted to my husband because he is a self-absorbed control freak who's obsessed with money, but other than that ..."

"I am not sure what you are getting at, Wheezy. I love my wife. Sure, she is a sexually frigid status queen who refuses to work and won't get out of sweatpants unless it is girls' night out, but she really is very loving with the kids."

Wheezy coughed hard, spraying the Berber with lung. "Listen. I want you two to give each other something that you never thought you'd part with. Only by giving something very valuable will you ever realize the true meaning of Christmas."

Wheezy began convulsing until he disintegrated. Candy and Dustin looked at each other. "He's right, you know," said Candy.

She reached under her sweatshirt, and after a moan-filled struggle pulled out two translucent ovals. "My breast implants. I want you to have them."

Dustin reached into his pants and pulled out his wallet. "Here, buy yourself some new implants and let's forget this ever happened." And it truly was the best Christmas ever.


Cue Gordon's theme song at gordon@gordonkeith.com. Listen to him on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.

Merry Christmas!

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send
you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you
some Legos instead.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up
with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most
of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like
in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa