Rev. Jay's World of Amazement and Confusion

The Internets love CFB

2009-01-09T07:35:00.001-08:00

Colin Boyd "Shine" CD-release party

City Tavern
1402 Main St. Dallas, TX 75202
10 pm
Sat Jan 10, 2009

A Story for you to Read

2008-02-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a soul-patched two-assed rabbit who met a beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey. It was love at first or second site. Actually, it was love at first dirty joke. The beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey had the mouth of a sailor while the soul-patched two-assed rabbit was as pure as the driven snow. They both worked for the cotton swab tip refinery where day in and day out they worked together to install cotton on the end of the swab thingy. It was hard work, but the pay was bad.

One day the soul-patched two-assed rabbit asked the beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey out for drinks. They were just “friends” so it was perfectly ok for them to do that. They began doing this on a regular basis until one day the soul-patched two-assed rabbit and the beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey suddenly realized that they were dating. This was a shock to them. They quickly decided they could not work together and date so they did the only logical thing: they moved in together. The beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey lived in the imaginary town of McKinney so the soul-patched two-assed rabbit was far from where he grew up in fictional town of Bedford , but this didn’t seem to matter to the soul-patched two-assed rabbit because he loved the beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey. One day he worked the nerve up to ask the beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey to be his bride. She of course jumped at the chance. In fact she was so excited that she ran away and he didn’t see her for months.

Their wedding was beautiful. They invited all their friends and family none of which showed because they were racist bastards and did not believe in inter-species marriage. After the wedding they went on their honeymoon to the real town of Mayberry RFD . One day about 5 years later they had a baby. Actually the beautiful sugar-titted snow monkey had the baby while the soul-patched two-assed rabbit took a sudden nap on the delivery room floor. He was probably just drunk. They had the most beautiful baby in the world. The baby went on to do great things. When the baby was 18 he or she (you really can’t tell with a soul-patched two-assed sugar-titted snow monkey with 3 penises and four babyland places) became a rockstar and toured the world, made billions of dollars, gave half to his (or her) surprisingly hip beautiful parents, and became the president of Earth.

And they lived happily ever after.

I love you Robyn!

New to 2007: Poems!

2007-02-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

Good hello dear everyone!

For the first time ever here are some poems. By first time ever I mean first time here. By first time here I mean first time here by me. By me I mean I.

Here's one written by my friend The El Guapo

aim high you stargazer
being of love and place
rest your arms on the night
stick your eye against the tree in that ham bone

raise ant and ease the field
matter holds all that is fresh
untold world to ape
hog is friend
friend is fall capture

capture the hog
that is the from

Here is one writter by my Dog Mr. Duck (real name withheld for "legal" reasons)

it is the best of times
the forest smells of trees and bear shit
the earth looks sad
give it a flower

i have an idea
tell the moon its ok to laugh
sit on my face
tell me the you love me

why is monty python?
i might ask you the same question
i've got a microwave
does that make me a racist?

The Meaning of Christmas

2006-12-11T14:45:00.000-08:00

Here's special Christmas story by the great Gordan Keith. Have fun!

Newspaper Column: Christmas means giving ... tuberculosis

By GORDON KEITH

Dustin cheerfully hung the decorations on the 20-foot tree as his wife, Candy, made her special Rachael Ray Christmas cookies.

"Baby, I think this is going to be the greatest Christmas ever!" Dustin said.

"What, dear?" Candy called from the kitchen.

"Nothing," said Dustin, realizing their marriage was over. Candy turned on the oven and stuck her head in it.

The doorbell rang. "Could you get it, dear?" said Candy.

Dustin put down the pistol and opened the door. His eyes grew wide. "Candy, come in here, it's Wheezy the Tubercular Christmas Elf!"

[Cue theme song.]

"Wheezy, what are you doing here?" asked Dustin.

"The Old Man is sending me 'round this year to fix up troubled marriages. According to our records, yours is pretty ba ..." Wheezy's small body shook as he coughed into a handkerchief. Candy noticed the red spot on it as he pulled it away from his mouth.

"Are you OK, Wheezy?" she asked.

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I just haven't been able to keep anything down in a week. Let's sit."

The three sit on the sectional. Although there was plenty of room, Wheezy straddled Candy's lap.

"Old Santa wants to know how's your marriage?" Wheezy began.

"I would say better than most," Candy said. "I mean, I feel completely alone and unattracted to my husband because he is a self-absorbed control freak who's obsessed with money, but other than that ..."

"I am not sure what you are getting at, Wheezy. I love my wife. Sure, she is a sexually frigid status queen who refuses to work and won't get out of sweatpants unless it is girls' night out, but she really is very loving with the kids."

Wheezy coughed hard, spraying the Berber with lung. "Listen. I want you two to give each other something that you never thought you'd part with. Only by giving something very valuable will you ever realize the true meaning of Christmas."

Wheezy began convulsing until he disintegrated. Candy and Dustin looked at each other. "He's right, you know," said Candy.

She reached under her sweatshirt, and after a moan-filled struggle pulled out two translucent ovals. "My breast implants. I want you to have them."

Dustin reached into his pants and pulled out his wallet. "Here, buy yourself some new implants and let's forget this ever happened." And it truly was the best Christmas ever.

Cue Gordon's theme song at gordon@gordonkeith.com. Listen to him on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send
you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who
rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you
some Legos instead.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up
with a Barbie.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most
of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly
and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like
in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

Lady Punch

2006-10-06T14:07:00.000-07:00


Violence can be funny sometimes.

REVENGE OF THE DURANGO BROTHERS PT 3

2006-07-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

Quick...go here !!!

Sorry...I got nothing. Maybe I'll have something later.

Later.

LTTP Jedi-Style!

2006-02-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

LTTP baby!

Big bag o' nothing

2006-02-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

As usual I don't have anything witty or profound to say. However, I found this and it made Jay laugh with his happy face.

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator:

When there is only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push a button, pretend it gave you a shock. Smile and go back for more.

Ask the others in the elevator which floor they're going to, but push the wrong buttons.

Call the Psychic Hotline and ask them if they know which floor you're on.

Hold the doors open as if you're waiting for a friend, but then let it close. Say to nobody, "Hey, Wally, how's it been?"

Drop a pen, wait for someone to pick it up and then yell, "That's mine!"

Put a cardboard box in the corner; when someone gets on ask them if they can hear ticking.

When the doors close, announce, "Don't worry, they'll open again soon."

Enforce a group hug.

Open your purse slightly and say, "Do you have enough air in there?"

Tell one of the other passengers that you're sorry, but you're going to have to let him go.

Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

Sing along with the Muzak.

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it. quick!" then whistle innocently.

If I looking for frog. Him name is Hopkin Green Frog.

2006-01-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

Hop over here.

It's 2006

2006-01-03T16:09:00.000-08:00

Let's trash the place!

Blog I'm not finished with you yet

2005-11-29T15:50:00.000-08:00

Many people ask me, “Jay, what makes you so special?”. I often ask myself that same question, dear admirer. Perhaps it’s my long flowing looks or my rugged good hair. It may even be my selfless dedication to those less fortunate than I or whatever. I do know this. I am often told by people that “you sure do seem like you know everything” or “wow…I’ve heard about people like you but I didn’t think they really existed” or “it must be great to be you” or “what’s it like being so perfect?” or “are you ever wrong?”. Sometimes I am taken aback by all the kind words and accolades that the people throw my way. Do I deserve to be so enamored by so many people? I am far too modest to answer that question. I will say that I believe all people, even the little people, have great qualities which some may refer to a “special”. I’d like to take this time to talk about how great other people are. I am often…oops. Would you look at the time? Gotta go.

In conclusion, one time I was born and then stuff happened.
The End.

PS: Click here.

Instant Karma's Gonna Get Ya!

2005-11-22T12:08:00.000-08:00

This post is dedicated to Kathleen Hanafan.
Good luck!

The Law of Karma
In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma, says only
this: `for every event that occurs, there will follow
another event whose existence was caused by the first,
and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant
according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.' A
skillful event is one that is not accompanied by
craving, resistance or delusions; an unskillful event
is one that is accompanied by any one of those things.
(Events are not skillful in themselves, but are so
called only in virtue of the mental events that occur
with them.)
Therefore, the law of Karma teaches that
responsibility for unskillful actions is born by the
person who commits them.

Let's take an example of a sequence of events. An
unpleasant sensation occurs. A thought arises that the
source of the unpleasantness was a person. (This
thought is a delusion; any decisions based upon it
will therefore be unskillful.) A thought arises that
some past sensations of unpleasantness issued from
this same person. (This thought is a further
delusion.) This is followed by a willful decision to
speak words that will produce an unpleasant sensation
in that which is perceived as a person. (This decision
is an act of hostility. Of all the events described so
far, only this is called a karma.) Words are carefully
chosen in the hopes that when heard they will cause
pain. The words are pronounced aloud. (This is the
execution of the decision to be hostile. It may also
be classed as a kind of karma, although technically it
is an after-karma.) There is a visual sensation of a
furrowed brow and downturned mouth. The thought arises
that the other person's face is frowning. The thought
arises that the other person's feelings were hurt.
There is a fleeting joyful feeling of success in
knowing that one has scored a damaging verbal blow.
Eventually (perhaps much later) there is an unpleasant
sensation of regret, perhaps taking the form of a
sensation of fear that the perceived enemy may
retaliate, or perhaps taking the form of remorse on
having acted impetuously, like an immature child, and
hping that no one will remember this childish action.
(This regret or fear is the unpleasant ripening of the
karma, the unskillful decision to inflict pain through
words.)

If there are no persons at all, then there is no self
and no other. There is no distinction between pain of
which there is direct sensual awareness (which is
conventionally called one's own pain) and pain that is
known through inference (conventionally called another
person's pain). Whether pain is known directly or
indirectly, there is either an urge to quell it or an
urge to cultivate it. Whether joy is known directly or
indirectly, there is either an urge to nourish it or
to quell it. In the conventional language of speaking
of events personally, the urge to quell all pain and
to nourish all joy is known as being ethical or
skillful or (if you like) good. The urge to nourish
pain and quell joy is known as being unskillful,
unethical or bad.

Being fully ethical is said to be impossible for those
who make a distinction between self and other and show
preference for the perceived self over the perceived
other, for such perceptions inhibit being fully
responsive. Being fully ethical is possible only for
those who realize that all persons are empty, that is,
devoid of personhood.

Nothing: the new something

2005-09-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

Since I've got nothing new to say I have decided to post a short story I wrote a few years ago. One day I will have another original thought. When I do watch out because I'll post it quicker than the salmon of Capistrano on the way back from a teddy bear hoedown.

Panic

Frank sat on the side of his bed staring at his alarm clock in bewilderment. Just yesterday his boss had suggested to him that he should start making a conscious effort to improve his attendance. Somehow, in his usual morning routine of hitting the snooze button before getting out of bed, he had pressed snooze one too many times. Actually, it was more like thirteen too many times. It was now 10:17am and he was almost two hours late for work. He thought maybe he should just call in sick and say that he was too ill to call earlier. This did not seem like a good enough excuse so he began to contemplate another one. Then he remembered that he had already used up all of his sure-fire excuses. To make matters worse, he was out of sick days. This was especially bad considering he had just started his job two weeks ago and had already taken five sick days. It was at this point that he began to panic.

The night before, he had gone out with Jessica. Ah, Jessica. What can be said about Jessica that hasn’t already been said by a million songs and fortune cookies? Fortune cookies? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Jessica is beautiful. He knows this because she told him. He would have figured it out on his own anyway because he knows a beautiful woman when he sees one and he certainly saw her. He saw the hell out of her! Jessica is the type of girl who can walk into a room and turn every man’s head. Hell, she can even turn women’s heads. This is no ugly woman. Frank and Jessica went to a bar in Dallas that someone at work told him about. Frank never discovered these places on his own. In fact, Frank had never discovered anything on his own. It wasn’t that he didn’t get out much; it was more that he just wasn’t very observant. He once waited in line for three hours to use a public restroom before he realized that he was in line to buy tickets for a Stone’s concert. Although it was a good show, he felt really stupid. To make matters worse, he missed the first half of the concert because he was in the bathroom. Not because he had to go, but because he thought he was waiting in line for a beer. Lines confused Frank. So did things that weren’t lines. So Frank and Jessica sat in the bar drinking Shiners talking about politics and current events. Two minutes later, after realizing that neither of them knew anything on those subjects, he suggested they play a game of pool. Pool was the one thing that Frank did well. He let her break first because he knew it would be her only chance to hold a pool stick all night. He could not have been more wrong. Not only did she make three balls on the break, but she also ran the table. He thought to himself that he might have met his equal. Well, except for the breasts.

After embarrassing him in pool, Jessica offered to buy Frank a late-night breakfast. Frank promptly agreed. Frank loves breakfast with all his heart. His only dislike about breakfast is that it usually comes in the morning time. Frank hates mornings. Well, mornings and eggs. Actually, come to think of it, Frank hates breakfast. Frank convinces Jessica that late-night breakfast is not a good idea. However, Jessica then convinces Frank that his idea of late-night breakfast not being a good idea is not a good idea. They spent the next hour trying to convince each other the their ideas were not good. After that, they spent the next 2 hours trying to remember what they were trying to convince each other. It’s not that they are both stubborn; it’s that they are both very dumb. That is most likely why they are so attracted to each other.

After sex, Frank got up from the middle of the street and headed home. From there everything became very foggy. “Damn fog”, he thought to himself. To make matters worse he could not figure out where that annoying buzzing sound was coming from. The sound kept getting louder and louder until he could not longer stand it. At that moment, he noticed that he was sitting on the side of his bed in bewilderment. Of course, this was not the first time he had found himself sitting on the side of his bed in bewilderment. It was, however, the most recent. It finally occurred to him that he had fallen asleep again in his frantic realization that he had overslept. Now he was really late. To make matters worse, he was not completely sure that he was actually awake. Just then, he feels a hand on his shoulder. “Did you finish?”, he hears a voice ask. Now he was really concerned. Mainly because the voice he heard was that of his boss. “Frank, did you finish that report?”. He turns around to see his boss. Then he notices that his bedroom is filled with cubicles. He turns around again and notices that he his facing his computer. Then it occurs to him that he is more confused than usual. This confuses him further. He hears another voice, “Hey Frank, it’s almost quitting time!”. He thinks to himself that this is the craziest dream he has ever had… and or is it? Frank panics.

Get a Life!

2005-08-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

The amazing thing about life is that it happens when you least expect it. You can be walking down an airport runway minding your own bee’s wax and BAM a bunch of bears with bees chasing them knock you over like a barrel full of retarded monkeys. It’s just that simple. So simple this life happening business is that it’s almost impossible to predict. At least that’s what the felt-tip pen told me. Then again, what does a felt-tip pen know that all of us don’t?
I digress.
I’m driving to work today and it suddenly hits me: Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
John Lennon was on to [or just on] something when he said that. We spend so much of our time planning for what’s next, that we forget to sit back and enjoy what’s happening right now. We all do it. Some of us more than others, but we all do do it. [I just wanted to say do do].
So how can we stop being so busy all the time and start not being busy all the time? I have no idea. You might want to ask the Mr. Know-it-all felt-tip pen.
I will say this though…shiny milk-fed kitty cats with “I love mom” tattoos.
That felt nice.

Well that’s all I’ve got for today.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Helloooo SHARK!

2005-07-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Is it double jumping the shark when you steal an idea from your friend's blog about jumping the shark?

For more information on Jumping the Shark please click Here.
For more information on information please click Here.

Have a good!

As told to by me

2005-06-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

Here's a little excerpt from my long awaited always soon to be released book. Soon to be released.
Be careful turning the pages...

Where to start? I guess the beginning is a good place. I mean that’s where most people usually start. Unless they start at the end which probably would not be the best place to start. Of course, the end would be a great place to end. However, seeing as this is the beginning, I think I will start here.

I don’t remember much that happened before I was born. I’ve always just naturally assumed that the world revolved around me. When I was a child, lets says about five years of age, my Mother told me that there was no conceit in my family because I had it all. It’s not that I think so highly of myself really, it’s just that I think so little of everyone else. My Father and Mother excluded of course. Oh, and beer. I like beer. Although beer is not a person, so it doesn't really count. However, we’re not talking about beer right now. Beer comes later in my life. Heck, I didn't even like beer until I was eighteen and I only drank it then to rebell against water.

If you want to know the truth, I’m not really this vain. I just wanted to capture your attention. Did I? Did I capture your attention? I hope so. I’d hate to think that you were reading this without paying attention. Jackass!

Just checking. OK, what were we talking about? To be completely honest with you, I don’t have any idea what my subject will be. This may turn out to be a book, or it may just get deleted when I realize that I have no business attempting to write a book. So, if you’ll be so kind, just humor me and act interested. When you read this, and believe me I’ll make you, please give me the common courtesy of lying and tell me that it was the best thing you ever read. This brings me to the subject, for now, of my little attempt at creative writing. My subject, dear reader, is me.

I said in the beginning of this insult to literature that I’ve always assumed the world revolves around me. Good thing I decided to start at the beginning. That’s not exactly the truth. I really think that my world, for the most part, revolves around my friends. My friends and beer. Sorry, I did not intend on bringing beer back into the picture so soon. So lets just drop the subject of beer. In fact, let’s drop the subject of my friends too. Let’s talk more about me. I have two reasons for writing about myself. One, I am my favorite subject and,”B”, because I know quite a bit about me. I guess the best way to understand where I’m coming from is to give you a little history of my 35 years on this planet.

To borrow a phrase from Groucho Marx, I was born at a very early age. I was born in Dallas and moved to Arkansas when I was very young. Arkansas, where the men are men and the sheep are related. I lived in Arkansas for about eleven years. In that time, I made many friends and had many adventures. My childhood was just like any other red-blooded American boy’s. I played little league baseball, I was very active in the church, and I invented the cellular phone. Then one day my Father asked me, “Son, if you could live anywhere in the country, where would it be?”. I, of course, said “California”. So we picked up and moved back to Texas. By the time we left Arkansas, I was much older than I was when I first moved there. In fact, I was eleven years older.

If you are still reading at this point, you either have nothing better to do with your time, or you see something more to what I am writing than I do. Either way, thank you for continuing to read. I’m twelve years old now and living in a state I’m proud to call Texas. In retrospect, I’m glad my Father did not choose California. If memory serves me correctly, and it usually doesn’t, I began to explore my creative side when I joined the band in junior high. I picked up the trumpet for the first time at age twelve and rarely put it down for six years. It made sleeping a bit awkward, but other than that it worked pretty well. I was always told that, if I would just apply myself, I could really go places playing the trumpet. Unfortunately for me, applying myself seemed too much like work and that was not for me. Perhaps I should have considered that advice a little more seriously because musicians get a lot of chicks and I sure do like chicks. Had someone told me at the time that chicks were usually women I might have worked a little harder. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret not applying myself I make a pretty good living at not applying myself, I just think I was too busy having fun. Speaking of fun, isn’t fun great? I am extremely thankful that my parents were kind enough to purchase that trumpet for me because, not only did it give me an excuse to show off, it gave me a great appreciation for music. In my sometimes humble opinion, music is the tie that bonds me to some of my closest friend. Music and beer. Damn! I said I wouldn’t bring beer up again yet. I am beginning to lose trust in myself.

Today is a great day to change the name of my Blog

2005-05-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

My Dear Children of World Planet Earth,

I am pleased to announce that on this day, Thursday May 26, 2005 in the year of our Lord, I have been officially ordained as a minister of the Universal Life Church. May God have mercy on our souls.

-Rev. Jim
aka Rev. Jay
aka Pete Durango
aka AKA

I am NOT a Star Wars geek...or AM I?

2005-05-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

In honor of today's release of "Revenge of the Sith" I thought I'd post an old top ten list from the Late Show with David Letterman.

Top Ten Thoughts On The Minds Of People In Line For Star Wars

10. "Nice of Cher to loan me her Academy Awards outfit."
9. "First in line.... This'll look good on my resume."
8. "The babes should be coming over to talk to me any minute now."
7. "I shouldn't have to wait in this line -- I'm Carrie Fisher."
6. "I sense a disturbance in my hairline."
5. "Is that some sort of image-gathering droid?"
4. "Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia...."
3. "What I want is a prequel to 'Turner and Hooch'."
2. "This line better move soon, or Paul will have to host the show for me."
1. "What a couple of geeks."

Gotta go now. The movie starts in a couple hours.

May the farts be with you,
J.

Today's Today Thought for Today

2005-05-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

The Meaning of Life

2005-05-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

People always ask me, “Jay, what is the meaning of life?”. I usually laugh knowingly and reply, “how the hell should I know?”.
Does any really know the secret to life on planet Earth? Perhaps little puppy dogs or sweet kitty cats might have a clue, but they ain’t talkin’.
If I had to guess the answer to this age old question I’d say that the answer lies within each and every one of us. All we have to do is look deep within ourselves and we should be able to find the answer. If the answer still eludes us we should try looking deep within someone else’s self. This can be tricky and may often result in a slap in the face or a restraining order. If one is still unable to find the answer I would recommend rephrasing the question.
Here are a few examples:

Life. What’s it mean?
Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find out what life is all about?
Hi. Can you please pass the potatoes and, oh by the way, why are we here?
Hey life! What the hell do you mean?

If all else fails in your quest for the meaning of life you could always just kiss my ass. It may not answer the question, but I think we’ll all feel better if you do. And isn’t feeling better really what life is all about?

Finally, I would like to end this post by saying I slit the sheet on which I sit; upon the slitted sheet I sit.
I’ve never been comfortable enough around anyone to type that before. Thank you everyone.

Stay focused, shitheads!
-J.

Wasting Time (Chapter 1)

2005-05-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

Wasting time is an art form all to itself. I have spent much of my adult life theorizing about the best ways to waste time. I have gathered a collection of these theories for a book which I may or may not have finished several years ago or just last week. The book does not explain my theories nor does it actually contain them. The book is more of a way to put off documenting my theories. To be honest, my theories are nothing more than hypotheses about theories. However, one day I plan on taking these hypotheses and doing something very important with them. Until someday I will merely think about it. I also like to drink beer. This is important because drinking beer is the best way to waste time without realizing it. It slows what I like to call your thought process down and creates that false impression that you are doing something important. Not that drinking beer isn't something important. I'm just saying. Also, if one really wants to waste time they can write something silly for their blog until it's time to leave work. This is both fun and rewarding especially while drinking a beer and theorizing about the best ways we as humans can waste time both affectively and effectively. Those two words are sometimes confusing? I mean, they are pronounced almost the same but have slightly different meanings. Whose idea was that?
What was I saying? Oh yes...wasting time can be both fun and rewarding if it results in successfully avoiding work.

Would you look at the time? See ya!

Today's Post Today

2005-05-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

Which came first the chicken or the stupid cop?
Silly Chicken.

In other news, happy birthday Billy Joel. Please write more songs for the world to hear sometimes.

In other other news, things happened today.

Watch this space for very important posts about things you need to know which are both very and important. Check your local listings for local listings and jello.
In the mean time, look here.

Happy today!
-J.

25 or 6 to 4

2005-04-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being a songwriter and a blogwriter is hard. See?

Waiting for the break of day
Searching for something to say
Flashing lights against the sky
Giving up I close my eyes
Sitting cross-legged on the floor
25 or 6 to 4
Staring blindly into space
Getting up to splash my face
Wanting just to stay awake
Wondering how much I can take
Should I try to do some more
25 or 6 to 4
Feeling like I ought to sleep
Spinning room is sinking deep
Searching for something to say
Waiting for the break of day

This could be referring to drug abuse. Who knows?
I DO know this...Steve Poltz puts on one hell of a live show! Just ask Scott.

Stay cool in Texas!

Important Announcement

2005-04-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

This is an important announcement. Please read it because it is important AND an announcement. From this day forward this blog will be known as "Life with Jay". Why you ask? Thank you for asking.

Shoot the caller.. pt 2

2005-04-14T10:59:00.000-07:00

In keeping with Shayne's subject of stupid people wasting our tax dollars...turn up the sound on your speakers and check this out:

Self-involved much?

Thanks to Gordon Keith for putting this on his site for me to steal.

Love to my homies.
Pees out.

Quote of the Day (give or take 50 years)

2005-04-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity." -- Albert Einstein

Today's very best Blog today

2005-04-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

Now is the time to raise your voice and lift your mouse. My friend Colin Boyd and his band have been nominated for a 2005 Dallas Observer Music Award. If you have not had the chance to check out one of their shows around town I recommend that you do. If you don't walk away feeling the power of rock n' roll you are probably too early. They don't usually start until 9pm or so. That’s when rock n’ roll shows up.

rock and roll + love = the colin boyd band

Please Click Here and follow the rules:

Here’s a testimonial:

The Durango Brothers (the The is silent) say: “Vote for the Colin Boyd Band”.
If that’s not testimonial enough then I don’t know what testimonial enough is.

In other news, lots of things happened in the World today.

Kiss an angel good morning love her like the devil when you get back home,

Jay

Bad Week: The Sequel

2005-04-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

I won't get into my week.
Let's laugh at the misfortune of others instead...

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=9357

Love your body Larry,
King James II

A Big Load of Nothin'

2005-03-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

This guy is the living definition of the word "failure".

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,151792,00.html

Thanks Rick for helping me with blog content for today.

That's it. Have good and get good give.

Peas Out.
-J.

A Tasteful Limerick in Honor of St. Patty's Day

2005-03-17T13:50:00.000-08:00

There once was a technician named Lil.
Who took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And her boobs in a tree in Brazil.

Love ya Earth...Stay Cool!

Bad Week

2005-03-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

We all have them. They are inevitable I suppose. Mine started, oddly enough, on the Monday after one of the most relaxing weekends I've had in long time. We just came off of a week where I was finally feeling human again after being sick for 3 weeks. We got bonuses at work so we finally had enough money to buy the new fence that we so desperately need for our sanity and our dog and our dog's sanity. There were a couple more great things about last week, but I'll leave that up to your imagination AND my I'm not going to tell you.

So here's this week in a nutshell:
I had Jury Duty on Monday. That's actually the good news. I not-so-narrowly missed getting selected for a murder trial. THEN I get some depressing personal news. That's ok though, because I was sure that I could salvage the day by having H&R Block tell me that my wife and I would get a nice little refund which would pay off everything we owed the IRS from the past. Alas it was not meant to be as the unsuspecting lady doing our taxes topped my day off by letting me know we OWED the IRS another $4,000. So much for the fence.
I got drunk after that so I don't recall anything else about that day.

On Tuesday we started paying bills. Pretty much don't have to say anything else there. I did get to play some good old DBro's music with my friend Shayne at The Back Porch so all was not completely lost. My cold wasn't either. The sore throat came back.

Today was long, stressful, and depressing. THEN once I got out of bed it starting going downhill. Highlight of the day: dinner with my wife. Lowlight: coming home from dinner to find the house filled with smoke because we left the tea kettle on. Second Highlight of the day: we didn't burn the house down. Second Lowlight: I still have a sore throat.

I'm not sure yet what tomorrow will bring, but I hope it involves plenty of beer.

So in case you are still reading this: We're poor, depressed, sick, tired, and cursed with plenty of bad luck. Now that I think about it, this kind of crap is great material to write the perfect country song.

In conclusion, it's been a good week.

Please don't click here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005120865,00.html

And for Pete's sake PLEASE don't click here:
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/story_pages/showbiz/showbiz2.shtml

Peace.

Mentally Constipated

2005-03-10T12:22:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing today so I thought I'd share my insanity with you...

Whoever this person (?) is may need help.
http://www.shayesaintjohn.com/

Panic?
http://members.aol.com/speaker606/jim/doom/doomrpt.html

Don't Panic!
http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com/main.html

Please don't eat the gardenias

2005-03-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

Today's post is in protest to yesterday's post. It has recently been brought to my attention (by no one) that making a joke out of an innocent human being's death is both insensitive and tasteless. For this I am deeply sorry.
Just Kidding. I'm not protesting nothing. In fact, I'd like to apologize for being deeply sorry. Had I known what kind of affect my apology would have made on my many legions of fans, I would have never said I'm sorry. By the way, I'm sorry I said that I have legions of fans. I actually have no fans that I am aware of. Please accept my humble regret for telling this horrible and insensitive lie. Had I only realized earlier that my lie would have caused me such remorse I would have never apologized in the first place. Also, let me just say that I am very sorry that I am using the same apology bit that I have used so often in the past. Going forward I will make it a mission or goal or something like that to protest these types of sad displays of nothing.
In conclusion, I would like to take this opportunity to protest nothing.

Please take the time to voice your opinion on this very important issue:
http://www.napoleonvsfender.com/

Also, Mother Durango says please support her boys:
http://www.durangobrothers.com/

Don't forget to support your local Colin Boyd too.
Here's one:
http://www.colinboyd.net/

Have a good!

R.I.P. Ricardo Ivan Garcia

2005-03-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking. Now I'm done. Wait. Here I go agai...no false alarm.
There are so many important things I would like to say in today's post. So important in fact that I don't know where to start. I'll start here.

I like here better. It's funnier. So what was I saying? Oh yes...important things and the such. There are many things in life that are important. Love, happiness, friendship, scratch and sniff books, etc. However, I say to you here today that the most important thing of all is importance itself. If fact, importance is so important that I can no longer discuss it because it is too important. Time is important too, but I'll have to tell you about that when I have more...well...Boba Fett action figures.

Speaking of time...
It is with the deepest regret and sorrow that I must report the circumstances surrounding this predictable, but untimely death.
Please click here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,149708,00.html

Stay tuned for more insightful wastes of time.
See? I again with the time.

Love to my peeps.

-J.

Nothing is the new something

2005-03-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Here's a short story from my book "Life with Jay". It should make you go insane.

You see when I was six...NO....17, I was born with only an ear and a partially eaten cheese sandwich for a head. As you could probably guess, I was very much in need of a plastic trashcan filled with cotton balls for a body. When my 18th Birthday came around I received my body. I was thankful, but saddened to find out that it was a burlap sack filled with leaves. To make matters worse, the leaves were actually made of milk crust and within a few days had dissolved and all that was left was a burlap sack. I was so sad, but things all changed when I met Albert Einstein and Tim Conway. If it were not for their endless dedication to my cause, I would not be here today. So that, my dear friends, is EXACTLY why we celebrate Labor Day.

In other news...unfortunate name?
http://premierespeakers.com/1004/index.cfm

Have a nice day in the USA!

2005-03-02T18:34:00.000-08:00

The History of the Word, Part 0

2005-03-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

This is my first post in many long times. I would like to issue an apology to everyone I have offended by not posting for a while. I would also like to apologize for my most recent apology. No...not that one. I'm sorry. That one.

What?

Shhh....
I'd think it would be nice to finish this entry with a pleasant little short story about bunny rabbits. That being said I will not. I'm mad at bunny rabbits right now. I can't tell you why, but if they are reading this they will get my point. GET MY POINT!
In conclusion, it began with the word and the word was good. It was a good word. Gooood Wooord.
By the way, please visit here for further enlightenment:
http://www.collegehumor.com/news/2005-01-20.napoleon.php

Happy Good!
-J.

PS:
Too much medication can make you Blog silly things.
Bye Catwoman!

Happy 2005 Fellow People Friends!

2005-01-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

Let it be known: This is the year of the Durango!
Watch this space.
Better yet, watch THIS space: http://www.durangobrothers.com

A very special Brady Christmas

2004-12-21T18:54:00.000-08:00

Just kidding. As usual I have nothing of great importance to say.
Fear not though. I feel something big a brewin' in my think mind. Could be a song, could be a poem, could be a song about poems. Only time will tell and time ain't talkin'

Watch this space.

Won't you listen to this small plea for peace?
http://www.treasurehiding.com/random/why.htm

Happy Holidays!

2004-12-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

Most poorly thought out domain name ever?
http://www.penisland.net/

2004-12-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hello Good Happy!

This is my first post of the 21st Century

2004-12-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

Hello sweet all!
I have many important things to say. I'll start by saying I have nothing to say.

More later when later comes.

Meanwhile have some fun with this: http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/bushv2.htm